Question : Please help me?? (divorce-related)?
A bit long, please bare with me.The 411: I'm 22, live in NYC, been married for 2 yrs, my wife is 26. We have no kids, we don't own anything whatsoever, we just rent. We got married kinda quick and didn't live together right away (big mistake). She has a H-U-G-E untidiness(sp?)problem which has gotten out of control, we don't have sex anymore because of her apparent stress-related, ongoing menstrual disorder, she shows no compassion whatsoever, all her conversations with me are about financial issues, she never asks how I'm doing or anything. I've tried everything from putting my foot down to being polite to buying flowers to recommending physicians to cleaning the ENTIRE house up myself in one day (took 9 hrs) only to have her mess it up all over again. I got us into counseling a couple months ago, it only lasted 3 sessions because she said "I don't feel like fixing things right now because when I wanted to fix things, you didn't want to fix things (not true), right now I'm depressed over the fact that I'm 26 and not where I wanna be in life." She didn't even give counseling a chance, we spent 2 of 3 sessions telling the doc our backstory. It could have worked, I felt like it was going to work because we were both getting our emotional baggage out in the open without getting into a fight.For the past few months, I've been living at my father's place because our house is very unhealthy physically and emotionally (you can't even sleep on the bed, looks like God pooped on it), fruit fly epidemic, I'd go into more detail but I don't wanna get too graphic, just think "Superdome" and "Hurricane Katrina" minus the flooding/death. But my father's place isn't exactly the best place to be, but it is a step up from my place because my father works with me to help keep the place more tidy than our place. However, it's not good because my mom has alzheimer's and my older sister is mentally retarded, so it's like having two additional kids in the house, they make a mess of the Apt. with food, important things missing, bladder, #2, etc. I'll stop before it gets too disgusting. So my place and his have SOME similarities. You may say get a divorce, I'd love to but what's holding me back?1) If I divorce her and let her keep that (once upon a time) nice apartment, I could stay at my dad's, save up money to get another place, right? But I'm worried about my dad becoming too overwhelmed by my sister/mother and dying (he's 62), I have no other family to run to unlike most people. I'd be screwed. He keeps telling me that he's not gonna die anytime soon, but I worry nonetheless, I feel like I'm hanging on a thread, ya know? I wish he was in his 50s right now. He can't even have any help come over to take care of both of them, there would be no room in the place for an extra person and he doesn't wanna put them in a home.2) If I divorce her and I keep the place, fix it up, etc. There still remains the issue of financial security. Where I work, I make $12/hr, full time. Not a livable wage right? That Apt. is $800/month, cable/internet + light/gas = about $1100 total. Then there's some bills and food, let's just round it all to $1500. I have like how much left over at the end of the month, $150-200? Give me a break.My main dream is to be a filmmaker/writer, I'm currently trying to get my scripts shown and what not, I workshop them as well, but it is a hard business to break into so obviously I have to do something "in the mean time". I'm not in school right now. My dad is trying to get me a doorman job, they make close to $30K, some even more. If I could get that job, that would help me make a decision a lot faster. However, if I can't get that, then the only other thing I wish to do is go to school for Medical Billing/Coding. There's not much jobs you can get around here WITHOUT some kind of degree. Why doorman and Medical billing/coding? Because I simply don't mind them for one, my dad lives in a doorman bldg. and I know how it works, and some medical billing co. allow you to work at home AFTER you work for them for a specific period of time and meet their requirements, plus I don't mind office work at all.You can imagine how frustrated I am. Here I am, withholding on divorce for the sake of financial insecurities. I'm stuck between waiting on this doorman thing (my dad is supposed to hear back from someone who's working on it, it's been a week and half) and signing up for medical billing course. Please don't lecture me on money isn't everything, it is, how else are you living where you are right now? How else are you paying for your food, clothes, and all the other things you're able to do? Vacation? Gifts? Businesses? Money IS everything. Let's face it, love won't pay the bills. Don't get me wrong, I'm not materialistic, I just wanna play this thing the right way because I realize I'm young, smart, a great guy, what not. I wanna make the right choices and eventually, someday, have a family of my own, one whereas in if my son or grandson faces a similar situation, he WILL have relatives to come to for help unlike me.Anyways, I'm going on and on, I'm sorry, I'll stop. Any insightful advice about this dire situation? All jokes aside, serious responses please, I'd really appreciate it.
- asked by platinum steve
All Answers:
Answer #1
It would appear your more worried about how you will make it. It doesn't sound
like you love your wife anymore. The best thing for you to do is sit down and
figure out what would make you happy and not worry about the what if;s. You
could look into getting a small apartment which wouldn't cost you a lot. If the
day comes you have to help your Dad and Mother face it then instead of worrying
so much now. Your to young to worry about what tomorrow will bring. You and your
wife need to make sure this is what you both want and maybe it would be best if
she was checked for depression by a doctor and that could be most of her
problem. I hope you can come to some kind of medium with your life to make you
happy. Take one day at a time.
- answered by Krinta
Answer #2
Wow, that's a really tough nut to crack, but I'll try to give some insightful
advice.I'll start on a good note and admit that financial security is very
important to me. I was married once before and in that marriage we had an
"allowance" we gave ourselves and I had accumulated around $1,200 because I
would rather horde it all in case of an emergency or something. I don't think
there is anything wrong at all about wanting financial security. I would just
caution you that if you let it consume you, you'll never be happy.Now about your
wife, it sounds like you've tried a few things to work things out and that is
noble. I'm sad to hear you have essentially given up and the only thing holding
you back is financial issues. DISCLAIMER: I'm not being judgmental and I can't
honestly say I know everything, because I'm sure your wife would have a
different side of the story. I suppose the thing that hits me the most about
this is when my first wife told me that she wanted a divorce, I was shocked and
did a lot of soul-searching. Ultimately, I returned to my Christian faith and
it made some amazing changes in me. The ones that are of consequence here are
that I stopped looking inward. I thought that the affection of my first wife
was evidence that I was a good person. Ultimately, I realized that what she
thought didn't make me a good person or a bad person, but what I DID made me a
good person or a bad person. I did all I could to save that marriage and my
attempts failed. I poured myself into my faith, healed, and learned what it
means to be lovable. I know you have to be extremely frustrated with your
situation, especially if attempts to make things better have failed. I'm not
going to preach at you. The only thing I would advise here is to search your
heart and try to act loving towards your wife even if she doesn't. It's easy to
say I'll love her when she acts loving towards me, but it's more noble to love
her in spite of her actions.As far as living arrangements, perhaps you could use
the time of separation to help her sort out her priorities. If she is depressed
and you can truly show her love while giving yourself the space you need,
perhaps it will be the shock she needs to snap out of it. It really sounds like
both of you are in a rut and something needs to change. If you are willing, I
would tell her that you love her and you want to work things out, but you can't
live in that environment. Tell her you want to resolve the things that are
going on, but it will take effort on her part as well and until she at least
tries, there's no hope of you moving back in. There is always the chance that
it won't work out, but at least you'll have a clear conscience that you did all
you could to save the marriage. I did and I can't tell you what it meant to me.
It still stunk that I had to go through the pain of divorce, but I had no
regrets. I used my experience to become a better person because I learned that
we are all flawed and we're going to disappoint each other, so leaving one woman
for another isn't going to solve anything. It's just going to replace one set
of problems for another.Your entry was long and I'm sure it's probably why you
don't have any answers as of when I started writing. Mine is equally long I
think. I hope that at least some of the advice I've offered helps in some way
because I truly feel for you and your situation. I pray you find the answers
you're looking for. God bless!
- answered by toddly29
Answer #3
No offense, but you chose to get married. When you got married you made a
promise and a commitment..through good and bad, sickness and health, etc. etc.
Are you a man that goes back on his word? I'm sorry that your relationship
sucks right now, Marriage isn't easy. So many people get married today without
thinking about the long term commitment. All you have to do is pay a little
money to break something that is wonderful and should be cherished. Perhaps you
could find another way to get through to your wife. Have you tried to ask her
what she thinks would make your relationship better? I say try to work it out.
You don't want to be 26 with a failed marriage under your belt do you? It seems
to me that there is a pattern going on around you. You leave a gross situation
to move into another gross situation. Perhaps there is something in you that
you should look at to find out why you find yourself in the same situation.
- answered by shybusch
Answer #4
I am so sorry. I live on the Mississippi Gulf Coast & assume that--if you're
comparing your situation to Hurricane Katrina--it must be serious. I found a
dead body under my car after the storm...but that's another story & one I'm
trying to forget. You have done all you can. You have gone "above and beyond"
and noone can tell you you gave up. She will not get better. She does not want
to fix things. She is killing the relationship & she knows it. You are not
emotionally or physically safe in that environment. My advice to you is: run an
advertisement in any local newspapers you have seeking a roommate. That way, you
wouldn't have to live with your family. You are still so young, and you have
plenty of time to move on & make the life you want. I am a big believer in
commitment and vows, but she is not committed to saving this marriage. She has
already emotionally abandoned you. Every day you stay with her is another day
you've put off getting the life you deserve. Best wishes.
- answered by gina
Answer #5
"For Better or Worse " may not be comforting now, but some women just don't
think cleaning your home is a priority. I retired at 51, found that Cooking,
doing Dish's, Laundry, etc. wasn't all that bad. So now, she works, I stay
home and do the above with joy. Not a perfect arrangement, but she did it for
over 35 years, my turn. God Bless !!
- answered by fuzzypetshop
Answer #6
I do not beleive in divorce, so I would try and make your marriage work. I am
in a similar situation and here is some insight into how I am dealing with it.
Every Saturday I spend 3-4 hours cleaning the house (which we have a small
house), which includes strubbing the floors to vacuming, basically everything
involved in keeping a house looking nice. Then I have a 4 year old child and a
husband that manage to mess it up in a matter a minutes after my husband get
home from work. It can get really irritating because it is almost like I just
waisted all that time cleaning for nothing. I guess my situation is a little
different becasue my husband does help with the housework, just not all the time
or he always tells me the he will do it later. I have never heard of the sexual
problem that you are discribing, has she been to the doctor for that because it
sounds like that is just an excuse and not really a problem. You should make
her go to the doctor and have the doctor tell you that she can not have sex
becasue maybe that is just her excuse for not having sex because something else
is going on and she is not telling you. Have you tried to talk to her and tell
her the way that you feel, that might help. Maybe she has no idea that this is
really bothering you that bad. You might tell her that if she does not change
that you are going to get a divorce and if she truely loves you, she will change
her ways just to keep you with her. Best of luck to you.
- answered by Poohbear
Answer #7
Get a divorce and join the military. Free college and a free place to live. Us
military chicks aren't that bad either. Our pay isn't that bad for what we do.
- answered by samusmclife
Answer #8
Yes you are right. Money really is everything. Thats why i save all the money i
can.That way when i really need it, i have it. I think that you should've done
the same. I do understand your problem. And i think that you should get rid of
the place that you were living in before you moved there. I think that you
should live with your dad.I mean your wife doesnt sound like she loves you. I
mean...she doesnt do anything. I dont want to lecture you. And im trying really
hard not to. But you should sell the house that you and your wife were renting.
Tell her you want a divorce, and move in with your dad. I really hope you dont
have anything bad happen. You sound like a really nice guy. Good luck to you. I
will pray for you, to make sure that everything goes smoothly.
- answered by babygurl
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